dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Randomize
