Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
