I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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