I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
