i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Drunk is not a location!
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
