Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
