when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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