Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
