I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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