The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Randomize
