Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Enjoy the penises
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
