she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
