It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
