I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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