my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
