I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
