She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
