party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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