This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
