New invention idea: vibrating tampons
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
