That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
