Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
