its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
