Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
