the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
