I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
