You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
