I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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