I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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