I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
