I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
