my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
