How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
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