So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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