remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
