dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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