He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
