I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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