Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
