Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
