Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
