I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
