After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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