You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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