I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
