Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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