I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
They took my balls.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
