I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
