I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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