found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
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