Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
